the cold reminisce://+~

ugh!!! we've been practicing non stop for our "cheering competition" ugh... i have around 6 bruises in my legs, from all the sliding, jumping,rolling etc. its so difficult and to think we'll only dance for 4 minutes..ha ha ha!

we got some of our results in class, i have such LOW GRADES!!!!!!!! argh!!!! i hate studying hehe.

one of my blockmates got suspended! its like all her minor violations got so compiled, thats why. and I cant really blame the school,befroe her otehr violations were excused because she wasnt oriented and so she got off with 10-15 hours of sanctions but now she did it again so she has 11 minor violations equal to 4 major violations and she was also given an extra violation because when we were on our caliraya tree planting trip she mistakingly shouted "putang ina" without noticing that one of our facilitators was right behind her,so she got a violation and a sermon all at once. i pity her,she started to cry when she found out she was suspended, I didnt really know what to think, I knew she desrved it because she violated the rules but I still felt sorry for her, I dont know, Im confused about how I feel about her situation....

I wish her luck....

chill out-`

Thursday, September 14, 2006
11:30 PM

Its been two- four months since I last wrote here, or I think its been two too four months.

well..its official Im now in collage, and where you might ask? in MIRIAM COLLAGE, woah "sorry ah,di gaano matalino eh, dinaan na lang sa sulat ang exam" first sem is almost over and its not bad, its actually quite fun, it just gets a bit akward cause Im not used to hanging around with bi' and lez, Im not saying I have anything against them, I just personally am not, how do I say this, well comfortable when they get all mushy with each other, ugh, this is so hard to explain.

I noticed that most of the girls from filmont are either in MC or in UST, hmm, but most of us well is in MC, we even share the, what I call "HALLWAY HELLO" hahahaha its when you're running to class and you pass by someone and you say HELLO hahaha...

ugh... I hate MATH, I HATE THEO {its soooo boring and the teacher ugh dont get me started! she's like the teacher from hell and its ironic cause she's a nun} {im so mean, i'll burn in hell for my actions} MY SOCIO PROF IS A WIERDO{ we only do magic tricks in class, well he does triks we watch} I LOVE MY HUMANITIES AND FILIPINO CLASS{ i got a 5 in my humanities once,boy was I proud!}

Its funny cause I can always find something funny and wrong about most of my professors such as my humanities prof,we always notice her shoulders moving from back to sideways etc. and realized that she has a habit of continually fixing her bra, next my math prof, in whatever conversation we have with her she never fails to imply her matemathical skills on us, next my socio prof he's always doing a magic trick and always asking for jokes, to the extent that we were given a quiz and guess what our quiz was about..it was to pass two jokes, just so we could pass his "SO CALLED QUIZ" last but never the least! one of my favourite professors, he always tells us the story of his life, his wive's life and his friends life to the extent that he completely forgets to teach us the lesson he was supposed to teach...our favourite line from our fil prof is "YUNG ISAN KABERKADA KO KASI, WELL, ALAM MO, KASI GANTO YAN, MAKINIG KAYO SA KWENTO KO HA!, MY EXAMPLE AKO,ITS VERY IMPROTANT LISTEN" but in the end it was all nonsense. despite my professor's faults I LOVE 'Em!! hahaha

chill out-`

Monday, May 01, 2006
3:04 PM

summer is almost over...ben a bum most of the time..its sad really..everyone's gone somewhere.. boracay,singapore etc.

miss the school days although i find it hard to admit...i miss my friends.. i miss the "puta-inang shet dudes saan tayo?" the "ano ba yan wala nanaman tayong mapuntahan" the bumming around in katipunan due to lack of well,mulah.... hahahaha i miss those days.. i miss hanging around doing nothing..atleast im with my friends.. i even miss my alarm clock,waking up..early in the morn...go to school all groggy and shitty due to lack of sleep...

bumming around kind of sucks when you do it straight for almost 2 months

chill out-`

Saturday, April 15, 2006
1:39 AM

I was talking to a friend of mine.. and she asked for my opinion on "self pleasure" and I said it was ok.. it wasnt a crime,she told me that she was getting insecure about the topic because of how other people treated it.

I dont understand,what the hell is so wrong with helping yourself, with pleasuring yourself? if your as lonely as can be whats so bad about it?is the thought of it so repulsive and unbearable? if men do it why cant we? whats so wrong with enjoying what we have?is it a crime?

I asked some of my friends what they thought about this topic and most of them said the same thing that its unthinkable,disgusting,unbearable,repulsive and well... nasty, and honestly I dont understand. why is it so repulsive? is it because most women, correction girls, are traditional,conservative and old fashioned.. that maybe deep down inside we want the harana, the old fashioned "ligawan",the love letters that we all think is corny but deep down inside we really think is so sweet..?maybe...

I still dont understand why its so repulsive for others. its not that horrid?is it?

chill out-`

Sunday, April 02, 2006
3:16 AM

here we go... drama queen...

Im no longer young..
im a mom now.. I can't be 17 anymore
IM a mom now
freedom to me is now a dream I'd want to attain
its so hard to be a mother
im young and restless
yet all my energy is locked in this cage
IM in hell
yet
its not so bad....
his a good boy
but I wish my old life...
I miss the freedom
I miss bieng young..
its so hard
to be a mom.....

chill out-`

the moment is gone...
my life has changed
nothing is as it seems
my youth has vanished..

the lines tell no lie
my beauty has faded
my skin has sagged
my endless image faded

gone my youth is,
for now,
I am a mother
and so,
my beauty passes on to my children

by yours truly

chill out-`

Wednesday, March 22, 2006
11:07 PM

shit...thats all.... fuck...thats it... damn.. my life... screw it... thats ME

thats how I can describe my life... all fucked up...

I feel all alone.. I feel like the only man I love, truly loved has fucking abandoned me.. why you say? by bieng careless and insensitive... I understand that he has his own life and he has to do whatever to find himself{yeah yeah yeah} he has to fight his own demons {fuck that!}

I dont know I guess Im bieng selfish and indignified and well.... unsensitive about his situation but shit! go find yourself!! fine!! but to leave your parents {family} and never want to come back?! and now what? you end up asking for money... {pa-utang naman} you got me doing it too.... and its ok.. but in a sense it hurts me watching you, watching you curse yourself, punching the air, hurting yourself and so on....it doesnt really bug me... asking for money to help you... what bugs me is that it hurts you having to ask for money because your paycheck isnt enough for you...{i know confusing} do you even know how it affects me? and now what? what are your plans?! WALA!!! putang-inang yan! what the hell is going to happen to our lives?! WHAT?! jesus christ?! wala na... we dont have a plan... whats happening with your work? what?! tell me nga?! I sense that your not even sirious..

I guess.. mostly... Im just jealous of you.... why? because your free.....

chill out-`

Saturday, March 18, 2006
7:00 PM

As I look at myself infront of the mirror I watch my whole life unravel before me... I watch the young innocent me grow to be a bitter child that I am now..

I realized how much of a grudge I was holding.I realized that I wanted the whole world especially my family what I had to endure as a child for the sake of our so called "PRIDE" damn it!! beacause of this I lost my innocence!

My whole life seems to be nothing more than just disappointments one after the other.. never ending!

I got pregnant at 16! my whole world changed and Im not usre if it for the better... My son seems to enjoy other people's company than my own..how painful is that?! I look into his eyes and I get frightened that maybe somehow he'll grow up to be like me.. and I dont want that to happen! he deserves better than this,I know!

Some people cut themselves at the wrist, I never actually understood that, why the hell would anybody try to fuc**n hurt themselves on literal and physical basis?! but on this day this fateful day? I was so fu**ed up that I ended up bruising myself {punchina nd slapping way} I dont really know why I did it...maybe because I wanted a reality check.. or I wanted people to notice im all screwed up... I dont know.. but though it hurt physically and my head still ringing a bit, it felt good... it felt like a release... I dont understand why I feel better throught that act but I do...

curious....very curious....

chill out-`