Blai

.....

2006-09-20T22:11:00.000+08:00

ugh!!! we've been practicing non stop for our "cheering competition" ugh... i have around 6 bruises in my legs, from all the sliding, jumping,rolling etc. its so difficult and to think we'll only dance for 4 minutes..ha ha ha!

we got some of our results in class, i have such LOW GRADES!!!!!!!! argh!!!! i hate studying hehe.

one of my blockmates got suspended! its like all her minor violations got so compiled, thats why. and I cant really blame the school,befroe her otehr violations were excused because she wasnt oriented and so she got off with 10-15 hours of sanctions but now she did it again so she has 11 minor violations equal to 4 major violations and she was also given an extra violation because when we were on our caliraya tree planting trip she mistakingly shouted "putang ina" without noticing that one of our facilitators was right behind her,so she got a violation and a sermon all at once. i pity her,she started to cry when she found out she was suspended, I didnt really know what to think, I knew she desrved it because she violated the rules but I still felt sorry for her, I dont know, Im confused about how I feel about her situation....

I wish her luck....

......

2006-09-14T23:30:00.000+08:00

Its been two- four months since I last wrote here, or I think its been two too four months.

well..its official Im now in collage, and where you might ask? in MIRIAM COLLAGE, woah "sorry ah,di gaano matalino eh, dinaan na lang sa sulat ang exam" first sem is almost over and its not bad, its actually quite fun, it just gets a bit akward cause Im not used to hanging around with bi' and lez, Im not saying I have anything against them, I just personally am not, how do I say this, well comfortable when they get all mushy with each other, ugh, this is so hard to explain.

I noticed that most of the girls from filmont are either in MC or in UST, hmm, but most of us well is in MC, we even share the, what I call "HALLWAY HELLO" hahahaha its when you're running to class and you pass by someone and you say HELLO hahaha...

ugh... I hate MATH, I HATE THEO {its soooo boring and the teacher ugh dont get me started! she's like the teacher from hell and its ironic cause she's a nun} {im so mean, i'll burn in hell for my actions} MY SOCIO PROF IS A WIERDO{ we only do magic tricks in class, well he does triks we watch} I LOVE MY HUMANITIES AND FILIPINO CLASS{ i got a 5 in my humanities once,boy was I proud!}

Its funny cause I can always find something funny and wrong about most of my professors such as my humanities prof,we always notice her shoulders moving from back to sideways etc. and realized that she has a habit of continually fixing her bra, next my math prof, in whatever conversation we have with her she never fails to imply her matemathical skills on us, next my socio prof he's always doing a magic trick and always asking for jokes, to the extent that we were given a quiz and guess what our quiz was about..it was to pass two jokes, just so we could pass his "SO CALLED QUIZ" last but never the least! one of my favourite professors, he always tells us the story of his life, his wive's life and his friends life to the extent that he completely forgets to teach us the lesson he was supposed to teach...our favourite line from our fil prof is "YUNG ISAN KABERKADA KO KASI, WELL, ALAM MO, KASI GANTO YAN, MAKINIG KAYO SA KWENTO KO HA!, MY EXAMPLE AKO,ITS VERY IMPROTANT LISTEN" but in the end it was all nonsense. despite my professor's faults I LOVE 'Em!! hahaha

...

2006-05-01T15:04:00.000+08:00

summer is almost over...ben a bum most of the time..its sad really..everyone's gone somewhere.. boracay,singapore etc.

miss the school days although i find it hard to admit...i miss my friends.. i miss the "puta-inang shet dudes saan tayo?" the "ano ba yan wala nanaman tayong mapuntahan" the bumming around in katipunan due to lack of well,mulah.... hahahaha i miss those days.. i miss hanging around doing nothing..atleast im with my friends.. i even miss my alarm clock,waking up..early in the morn...go to school all groggy and shitty due to lack of sleep...

bumming around kind of sucks when you do it straight for almost 2 months

cynical

2006-04-15T01:39:00.000+08:00

I was talking to a friend of mine.. and she asked for my opinion on "self pleasure" and I said it was ok.. it wasnt a crime,she told me that she was getting insecure about the topic because of how other people treated it.

I dont understand,what the hell is so wrong with helping yourself, with pleasuring yourself? if your as lonely as can be whats so bad about it?is the thought of it so repulsive and unbearable? if men do it why cant we? whats so wrong with enjoying what we have?is it a crime?

I asked some of my friends what they thought about this topic and most of them said the same thing that its unthinkable,disgusting,unbearable,repulsive and well... nasty, and honestly I dont understand. why is it so repulsive? is it because most women, correction girls, are traditional,conservative and old fashioned.. that maybe deep down inside we want the harana, the old fashioned "ligawan",the love letters that we all think is corny but deep down inside we really think is so sweet..?maybe...

I still dont understand why its so repulsive for others. its not that horrid?is it?

..

2006-04-02T03:16:00.000+08:00

here we go... drama queen...

Im no longer young..
im a mom now.. I can't be 17 anymore
IM a mom now
freedom to me is now a dream I'd want to attain
its so hard to be a mother
im young and restless
yet all my energy is locked in this cage
IM in hell
yet
its not so bad....
his a good boy
but I wish my old life...
I miss the freedom
I miss bieng young..
its so hard
to be a mom.....

Gone

2006-04-02T03:08:00.000+08:00

the moment is gone...
my life has changed
nothing is as it seems
my youth has vanished..

the lines tell no lie
my beauty has faded
my skin has sagged
my endless image faded

gone my youth is,
for now,
I am a mother
and so,
my beauty passes on to my children

by yours truly

jealousy

2006-03-22T23:07:00.000+08:00

shit...thats all.... fuck...thats it... damn.. my life... screw it... thats ME

thats how I can describe my life... all fucked up...

I feel all alone.. I feel like the only man I love, truly loved has fucking abandoned me.. why you say? by bieng careless and insensitive... I understand that he has his own life and he has to do whatever to find himself{yeah yeah yeah} he has to fight his own demons {fuck that!}

I dont know I guess Im bieng selfish and indignified and well.... unsensitive about his situation but shit! go find yourself!! fine!! but to leave your parents {family} and never want to come back?! and now what? you end up asking for money... {pa-utang naman} you got me doing it too.... and its ok.. but in a sense it hurts me watching you, watching you curse yourself, punching the air, hurting yourself and so on....it doesnt really bug me... asking for money to help you... what bugs me is that it hurts you having to ask for money because your paycheck isnt enough for you...{i know confusing} do you even know how it affects me? and now what? what are your plans?! WALA!!! putang-inang yan! what the hell is going to happen to our lives?! WHAT?! jesus christ?! wala na... we dont have a plan... whats happening with your work? what?! tell me nga?! I sense that your not even sirious..

I guess.. mostly... Im just jealous of you.... why? because your free.....

pain & suffering

2006-03-18T19:00:00.000+08:00

As I look at myself infront of the mirror I watch my whole life unravel before me... I watch the young innocent me grow to be a bitter child that I am now..

I realized how much of a grudge I was holding.I realized that I wanted the whole world especially my family what I had to endure as a child for the sake of our so called "PRIDE" damn it!! beacause of this I lost my innocence!

My whole life seems to be nothing more than just disappointments one after the other.. never ending!

I got pregnant at 16! my whole world changed and Im not usre if it for the better... My son seems to enjoy other people's company than my own..how painful is that?! I look into his eyes and I get frightened that maybe somehow he'll grow up to be like me.. and I dont want that to happen! he deserves better than this,I know!

Some people cut themselves at the wrist, I never actually understood that, why the hell would anybody try to fuc**n hurt themselves on literal and physical basis?! but on this day this fateful day? I was so fu**ed up that I ended up bruising myself {punchina nd slapping way} I dont really know why I did it...maybe because I wanted a reality check.. or I wanted people to notice im all screwed up... I dont know.. but though it hurt physically and my head still ringing a bit, it felt good... it felt like a release... I dont understand why I feel better throught that act but I do...

curious....very curious....

tough

2005-10-25T14:41:00.000+08:00

joaqin's doing good in the hospital..his responding well to all the treatments, Im so relieved with his improvements. I hope to god I can bring him home soon..

things aren't so bright at home though..its wierd..the relationship between me and my mom is on an altime high if wierdness....!! our conversations are never the same.. it feels wierd having to talk to her.. but then again things aren't the same anymore.

Relationships at home aren't the only thing bugging me... Encar told me that jaymie {jaymie is kind of ummm... psychic} said one day we won't be together anymore, it scares the living daylights out of me... I cant imagine bieng without him at all...! I cant stop thinking about it.. I cant think of a reason for us to seperate... which is another scary fact for me... Im so worried about me and Encar. Im worried not only for me but for joaqin to.. it would be so difficult for him to have to live in two houses, two families, or just TWO HOMES. I wonder how it could affect him having seperate parents....!

I dont know anymore...! its driving me crazy!!!!!!!

GOD HELP ME!

damn..

2005-10-08T18:15:00.000+08:00

Encar went to subic on thursday I think his coming back to manila at saturday.. anyway.. while he was gone, as usual, my mind started asking questions showing how paranoid I am.. I started thinking to myself asking if he's been thinking of me or our son,if he misses me, if his doing anything I would resent, I started asking myself if we're going to be ok, if we're going to get through this,if our relationship will last to live another day..if his feelings for me has changed.. I got scared when thoughts about my baby came rushing in.. I asked myself if he's going to turn out right. if he'll be healthy, I wondered how the pills would've affected him.. I was scared I didnt want my son to turn out otistic or anything related to that.. I was so scared I wondered if after his birth he was too weak.. he might die.. I wondered if it'll be a premature birth.. Im so scared of the things that could go wrong...! I wondered if I could take the birth or if I'll die in the process of giving birth to joaqin...Im so scared I dont know what to do.. these thoughts have been haunting me these past few nights....

Last night I could hardly get some sleep {considering I need sleep for my exam in MC today} I kept thinking of encar.. then I had a bad feeling..like something happened to him.. or to "US" Im having the same feeling now... Im kinda nervous I guess.. argh! what am I ganna do? I cant really talk to encar about it.. since its difficult to get hold of him due to our situation... and besides he has his own demons to fight...but still... I dont understand whats going on..! right now I feel like something happened to encar in subic that could break our relationship.. its either that or Im bieng completeky unethical and paranoid.. I know I should trust him... perO.. AHHH ewan ko na!

Its getting so difficult for me.. I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up... though I know I cant do that..for joaqin's sake.... its just really hard... I feel crushed,helpless,destroyed,hopeless, and broken.... I dont know what to think anymore. Im just one BIG mess!!!!

fuck!

2005-10-04T17:39:00.000+08:00

its sad nowadays, I eman things are getting tougher and tougher for me and encar... with the resposabilities of bieng parents at such a young age.. not only that our parents aren't helping that much...

well I guess..um.. from what encar tells me his mom is cooling off... with our situation,atleast they talked about it already in a serious manner however me and my mom havent talked about it at all.. the last thing she said about the baby was that I better start making ipon bottles for my baby..
what the hell is that suppose to mean???

argh!!! the load of bieng a parent is getting heavier everyday..dont get me wrong there are times I love the idea of bieng a mom soon..but still its hard

I plan to start working this summer for my friends tita as an assistant of some sort in an investment house.. I talked to my mom.. she said it was ok..compared to working in a call center atleast I would be safe their...

God help me and my son and encar offcourse.. give us strength to go through this ordeal

I hope everything will turn out well... for me and my new family.. I hope Im strong enough to be a good mother to my son... I hope I can teach him the things he needs to know.. I hope he'll love me as his mother and treat me with respect...

screwed life

2005-10-02T21:52:00.000+08:00

staying in this fucking house is getting harder and harder each fucking day! I think Im ganna end up insane!! its so depressing here!! I hate it here!!!

I cant even see encar without having to sneek out...! its so sad I feel so alone I dont know what to do na or think...sometimes iniisip ko I should just end everything but I know that's bieng selfish of me.. nahihirapan lang talaga akO...

I dont know what to do na...pati studies ko apektadO na... shet..

fucking life...!

all of a sudden their gone

2005-10-01T01:17:00.000+08:00

a few months ago I was surounded by people aka friends then when they heard news of my pregnancy they slowly but surely disappear..Im not really surprised that some of my so called friends just well... disappeared but whats upsetting me is that I dont hear from my old friends anymore..

I understand my classmates I mean they have their lives to think about...I just wish they would take time off from their busy schedule and visit me once in a while.. I cant really go out much now.. I am pregnant and Im kinda on house arrest.. I just wish someone would be nice enough to actually stop by my house to just say hi.. that would mean so much...

I miss my friends and it hurts knowing they dont come to see you.. kakainis... but ayos lang buhay pa naman ako eh

Im not forcing anyone if they dont want to appear then dont,diba?

In a few months I'll be giving birth to my baby boy.. carlos joaqin... I cant wait to be a mom

"with you by my side I'll never be alone"

the irony

2005-09-30T19:21:00.000+08:00

I was reading a blog of a friend and she was pointing out the weak traits of a man..and how easy it was to steer their little heads in your direction...she pointed out that men are easy to arouse and satisfy...to your advantage and how easy the game of dating is...

I use to think the same way she did... in a way I still do....its true I use to think men are fickle and fools which you can manipulate to your advantage..but how? through touch.. a woman isnt easily aroused or well... a woman can control herself before anything happends {unless she wants too}
unfortunately a man cant {no offense to the men..this is just my observation} a man {if you ask me} are subdicated to their level of physical enjoyment {im not saying its bad}

playing with hearts though has its negative results... after a while I felt like no man could ever give me the same feeling I felt when I had my first kiss...unfortunately I was wrong.. I got hurt and ended up in a state of depression...but I bounced back and had a few more flings but time changes people and so I fell inlove once more and havent gotten out of it

I dont regeret doing what I've done. none of my friends ever called me a play girl, i didnt seem to have the image. Now im 16 Im with a man who is completely the opposite of me and I love him...Im proud to have his son,though I know its too early for me to be a mother Im happy that I am..

My life has changed and though I miss the old days of pure fun and no worries I have accepted my situation and my responsabilities of motherhood...I know things will never be the same

what matters the most are the little things

2005-09-30T03:32:00.000+08:00

what matters most are the little things
a gentle touch in the cold dark rain
a tender kiss on a sleepless night
or to hear the words, babe it will be alright

the knowing in my heart he'll always be there
the promise that for me he cares
the warmth in my hear for him alone
and the future of happiness in beginning our home

when you're able to find all these little things
consider yourslef blessed and dont change a thing
for god in his ehaven knew from the start
how to match the right two hearts

"I LOVE YOU those are the words that make me happy,make me crazy and make me sane"

2005-09-24T23:28:00.000+08:00

Carlos Joaqin... my baby boy.. I cant wait to see you...! I cant wait to hold you in my arms.. I cant wait to hear your gentle voice..my son I cant wait to be your mother..you and your father is everything to me I hope you feel that..! be a healthy baby.. be a good son to me and your father..

until the day you come, my son dream your dreams and know your mother and father loves you so much....

2005-09-24T23:14:00.000+08:00

I know you're tired and confused,so am I. We've been through a lot together and we're abou to go through more but please remember that Im always here.. Im not going anywhere.. No matter what I do, no matter what happends Im here and Im not going to leave you.. I love you